The Past Relationship Audit

How I use relationship history to help clients make better choices

“That ex was so interesting to talk to, but they didn’t get along with my friends.

I had insane chemistry with another, but they didn’t really get me.

Am I just trying to Frankenstein the best parts of my exes into a new person?”

Many clients come to me with stories about their exes.

Where most get stuck: What do I do with all that information?

The problem with typical relationship retros

Your past relationships hold rich data about what works and what doesn’t.

But most people either ignore that data or interpret it unproductively.

They fixate on surface traits…

“My ex went to XYZ school, so I want someone whose college is just as good or better.”

…or overindex on chemistry…

“We had sparks. It must’ve meant something.”

…but don’t ask deeper questions:

Did this person meet my emotional needs? Could I actually see us together in 20 years?

I help clients filter signal from noise. I help them spot patterns, stop chasing red herrings, and build an action plan rooted in what actually matters for long-term compatibility.

The Past Relationship Audit

Pick your 3 most significant relationships from recent years. These can include situationships or even broken friendships.

For each one, answer the questions below. I’ve included the 4 Pillars of Compatibility (GPIE) to prioritize the areas that matter for long-term success.

If this exercise feels tender or emotional, that may actually mean you’re being honest with yourself about where you can grow.

Example audit

Here’s an example based on stories I’ve heard across clients.

Overall Experience

• What was your bond based on? Why did you like them?
  We had strong physical chemistry and loved debating philosophy late at night.

• How did you feel about yourself with them?
  I felt engaged and desired but nervous to speak up when things bothered me.

The 4 Pillars of Compatibility

1. G – Goals
   Unclear. I avoided sharing my relationship goals (e.g., marriage and kids) because I didn’t want to seem “intense.”

2. P – Physical
   Strong. Maybe too strong. We rushed this part, and it clouded my judgment.

3. I – Intellectual
   Good, but they weren’t as invested in my career as I’d hoped.

4. E – Emotional
   Weak. I didn’t feel truly seen by them. They didn’t seem deeply curious about me.

Conclusions

• Why did it end?
  I asked how they felt about me. They said they didn’t see long-term potential. We ended things. It took me months to get over it.

• What will you do differently going forward?
  I’ll build emotional intimacy at the same pace as physical intimacy. I’ll notice when strong chemistry suppresses my nervousness. I’ll share more of my vulnerable feelings early on, including if something bothered me, and see how they respond.

Reflection

After reviewing each relationship, journal on these prompts:

1. What patterns did you notice across relationships?

2. What will you commit to doing differently?

3. How will you stay accountable to these commitments?

Template

Take 30 minutes this week to do the Past Relationship Audit.

Feel free to use this template: Make a copy of this Google Doc.

I’d love to hear what you learn about yourself!

Love,
Joyce ❤️‍🔥

P.S. My next Hot Feelings event is on August 13 in SF. Over 175 execs from OpenAI & Stripe and founders backed by a16z & YC have attended and met dates and friends. Apply or share with a friend.

P.P.S. I work with clients to develop dating skills like these and build an exceptional partnership. Clients have called my “practical, systematic approach that takes the guesswork out of dating” “the best investment you can make in yourself.” Learn more about 1:1 coaching.