The 4 Pillars of Compatibility: a MECE framework for mate selection

Use this framework to gauge long-term potential on your next date

Through coaching dozens of clients, I’ve found that compatibility comes down to 4 roughly MECE [0] pillars.

I call them “GPIE” 🥧. Just like a great relationship, all the ingredients need to be there for it to work.

1. G – Goals: Do your life visions align?

2. P – Physical: Do you feel drawn to them?

3. I – Intellectual: Do they challenge and engage your mind?

4. E – Emotional: Do you feel safe, valued, and understood?

Let’s break down these 4 GPIE pillars and how to use them to assess compatibility in real time on your next date.

[0] Mutually exclusive, completely exhaustive: A framework I used as a BCG consultant and Stripe product manager.

1️⃣ G – Goals compatibility

Example: I want to get married and have kids in 5 years. I want to spend a lot of my time working remotely and live on a rural farm.

🔹 On your next date: Casually bring up a future aspiration and notice how they react. Do they engage with excitement, share similar dreams, or seem indifferent? Do their long-term goals contradict yours?

👉 Reflection question: What are your most important life goals? Which ones must a partner align with for long-term compatibility?

2️⃣ P – Physical compatibility

Example: When I look at them, I want to be physically closer to them.

🔹 On your next date: Use the Face Test → Do you want to get closer or further away from their face? Can you imagine waking up next to them for years? Pay attention to gut reactions—do you instinctively want to be closer, or are you convincing yourself to feel something? Would spending more time with them change how I feel?

👉 Reflection question: How much does physical attraction matter to you in the long run? Can physical attraction grow for you as you get to know them? Have you ever overlooked deeper incompatibilities because of strong chemistry?

3️⃣ I – Intellectual compatibility

Example: I learn new things about the world, myself, and others in our conversations. I become smarter as a result of spending time with them. I respect their opinion and would go to them for advice on my work and life.

🔹 On your next date: Ask for advice on a real challenge you’re working through. E.g., you want to move teams at work but aren’t sure how that would impact your relationship with your current manager. Does their answer spark new thoughts, challenge you, or make you curious? How invested do they seem in helping you? Do they follow up later and ask how it’s going?

👉 Reflection: How do friends and family help you be your best? How would you want your future partner to challenge and inspire you?

4️⃣ E – Emotional compatibility

Example: I feel understood and valued by this person for what I value in myself. I feel comfortable and encouraged to share my vulnerable feelings, including potentially negative ones about them, and trust that they will respond with empathy and care.

🔹 On your next date: Share something personal—not too heavy, but real—and observe their response. E.g., my best friend just told me that they’re moving away, and I feel down about it. Do they listen, ask follow-ups, and show care? Or do they dismiss it and change the subject? How do I feel about their response? Did they make me feel heard and valued? Do I feel encouraged to share more?

👉 Reflection: How do you want to feel in your dream relationship? E.g., valued, seen, understood, cared for. (These are your “North Star Feelings”.)

Homework: Put GPIE to the test

Use GPIE on your next date to make more intentional dating choices. It’s easy to get caught up in chemistry or convenience, but true compatibility runs deeper and takes time and effort to assess.

📝 Tonight’s task: For a recent date, rank each pillar from 1-10 and write one sentence about why you gave that score. What patterns emerge?

And finally—a big thank you for being here. By dating with intention, you're already changing dating culture one thoughtful reflection at a time.

Love,
Joyce ❤️‍🔥