Why your date said they didn't feel a romantic connection
How I diagnose what happened on your date
“Dates keep telling me they didn’t feel a romantic connection. Why is this happening?”
When I hear a client say this, I turn it back to them:
What level of communication did you get to?
The 5 Levels of Communication
Here are the 5 levels, from shallow to deep. (Adapted from a Stanford coach’s work.)
1️⃣ Ritual: “How are you?”
2️⃣ Extended ritual: “How’s the weather?” (aka small talk)
3️⃣ Facts: “I broke up with my ex last year.”
4️⃣ Feelings about facts: “I felt really sad after the breakup. I took a few months to process and heal, and I’m feeling positive and ready to date again now.”
5️⃣ Feelings about each other: “I feel tender hearing you share about your breakup. I feel grateful that you felt comfortable sharing with me.”
Assess yourself
If you stayed at level 3 (facts) and did little level 4 (feelings about facts) or level 5 (feelings about each other), you probably didn’t connect deeply emotionally.
I usually hear people stuck at level 3 or 4. You talked about hobbies and family and maybe how you felt about them.
Maybe you shared about your relationship history and thought you were being super vulnerable.
However, romantic connection happens in the present between you two.
It starts by telling your date how you feel about them.
Note: Sometimes your date may say they didn’t feel a romantic connection because of another reason they didn’t tell you explicitly. This could be another one of the 4 pillars of compatibility, like physical attraction.
Take action
On your next date, challenge yourself to be 15% more vulnerable.
Try starting with “when you said [statement], I felt [emotion].”
To keep yourself feeling confident and safe, go through the 5 Levels of Communication gradually.
Check in with yourself after each of your shares before going deeper.
Let me know how it goes! DM me if I can help.
Love,
Joyce ❤️🔥