Hardballing: Don’t go on a date before sending this text

See how 5 dates were saved by this 1 text

A lot of my clients express frustration about going on dates with people who aren’t ready for commitment. I help them prevent that with a technique called Hardballing. Here’s an example Hardballing text:

I wanted to be upfront with you and share that I'm looking for a relationship that doesn't end and want to start a family in a few years. If that's not what you're looking for, that's totally cool! I want respect both of our time :)

Let’s explore why Hardballing helps and review 5 client examples together.

2 reasons why Hardballing makes a difference

1. Accelerate your timeline to find your life partner (the goal of my coaching): Instead of going on 3 dates and then realizing that your goals misalign (short- vs. long-term relationship, kids vs. none), you can filter for this before the 1st date. That literally saves you 3 date slots that you can instead invest in people who are more likely to be your life partner.

2. Assess them for life partner qualities: Beyond a yes/no goals check, Hardballing gives you valuable signal on how your date would handle important, vulnerable conversations with you in the future. You get an early peek into how they’d treat you as a partner.

tl;dr - If you know what you’re looking for, I encourage you to share your intentions upfront. Screen out people who don’t share your goals. Screen in people who do share your goals and are genuinely excited to open up about the future with you.

If you don’t know yet what you’re looking for, that’s okay. Let’s work on figuring out what you want first. More on that in a future post.

3 things to look for in a Hardballing response

We’ll use this ROC rubric to look for qualities we want in a life partner.

This framework maps Hardballing responses to the character traits you’d want in a life partner: someone who pays attention and listens to you (respect), who shares their thoughts with you (openness), and who makes you feel comfortable being vulnerable and values your time (care).

1. Respect: Do they thank you for proactively bringing up this topic? Do they value your honesty and thoughtfulness? Do they respect you for having the courage to share your goals? Do they respect you for respecting their time too? If they respond well, this is early signal that you two would handle hard conversations together. If they value your honest communication, this person is more likely to be the one. Your future partner would likely respond like this because they share these values with you.

2. Openness: Beyond a simple yes/no, do they respond to each of your points directly and transparently? Do they go out of their way to share more context about their own dating goals and situation to help you decide? If your potential date gives you an outstanding response (they share their own dating goals and convey that they’ve given intentional thought to their future), there’s a higher chance that they are ready for a committed relationship.

3. Care: Do they respond warmly to you? How cared for, supported, and valued do you feel reading their response? Do they engage with you further and seek your input? Do they show understanding and consideration for your time and energy? If your potential date treats you with care and consideration when you share something vulnerable, they are more likely to care for you years down the road when you share even more vulnerable things about yourself.

5 Hardballing examples

Let’s walk through 5 real client Hardballing examples together. We’ll use the ROC rubric to interpret responses.

🤓 Extra credit: Challenge yourself to guess the ROC score before continuing to scroll.

Note: These are real examples from my clients. They are modified for privacy.

Example 1

My client: I saw your profile indicated that you’re still figuring out your relationship goals. I respect that and, in the spirit of transparency, wanted to share that I'm looking for something long-term. If that's not what you’re looking for, that’s totally cool! Just wanted to be upfront and respect our time :)

Their potential date: I really appreciate you being upfront! I should probably update my profile since it’s been a while. I’m also interested in something long-term but wanted to mention that I may be moving soon since some of the jobs I’m applying to are in other cities. I completely understand if that’s a no go for you! I wanted to be upfront too.

ROC rubric:

1. Respect: Yes! They appreciated my client for being upfront. They also demonstrated humility by acknowledging that they should update their profile.

2. Openness: Yes! They proactively shared more about their location situation. They’ve also clearly thought about the impact of their career plans on dating. It feels encouraging that they would likely proactively share more about their personal plans as this connection progresses.

3. Care: Yes! They showed understanding if my client decided to pass because of what they shared, which demonstrates consideration. They seem to be dating intentionally for a long-term partner and not just going on dates for fun. They seem to be aligned.

Outcome: My client felt warm toward them since they seemed kind, forthcoming with sharing their situation, and respectful of their time. My client actually felt more excited to meet this person because of the quality of their response. This led to a better 1st date. I coach daters to be more like these folks :)

Example 2

My client: I wanted to share something you should know about me: I'm looking for a life partner and want to start a family. No worries if you’re looking for something different. Just wanted to be upfront and respectful of our time!

Their potential date: I appreciate your directness! I also want a life partner and am open to a family later on. That said, I want to take things at a slower pace and spend time traveling and enjoying life beforehand.

ROC rubric:

1. Respect: Yes! They expressed appreciation for my client’s directness.

2. Openness: Yes! They shared more about how they’re approaching their family timeline. This response could have been even better had they clarified what they meant by “a slower pace” to give my client more context.

3. Care: Yes. Their response seems warm. However, this could have been even better had they engaged more directly with my client on this topic and made it more of a discussion. They could have proactively called out potential differences. For example, they could have added: “How does that square with how you’re thinking about family plans? I’d understand if you’re looking for more clarity on timelines. And if you prefer / still think we could be a fit, I’d love to chat more about this with you and get to know you more over the phone or in person.”

Outcome: My client thought about it more and decided they wanted to prioritize people who are ready to have children sooner. They communicated this and saved a potentially wasted date!

Example 3

My client: I thought I’d mention since it seems like we could be a match that I'm looking for my last relationship and want to start a family. No problem if you’re looking for something different! Just wanted to be upfront and not waste time for either of us.

Their potential date: I’m also looking for something serious. Sorry, this week has been super busy. Let’s meet up next week?

ROC rubric:

1. Respect: No. This person didn’t acknowledge that these relationship goals are a priority for my client. We were looking for some expression of appreciation like “Thank you for sharing this transparently.” That would have indicated that this person would receive you well when you bring up serious topics.

2. Openness: No. While they indeed gave a yes/no answer about their relationship goal, they did not respond to the family piece my client brought up. They did not make my client feel heard because they did not address a lot of what my client wrote. They also didn’t elaborate more about what these goals mean to them. It’s unclear if this person would reciprocate my client’s vulnerability and openness, which are key ingredients for a lasting relationship.

3. Care: Somewhat. While it’s great that they moved toward action (scheduling the date), they could have shown more warmth in their response. Here’s a revision to make this better: “Thanks so much for sharing your intentions upfront and respecting our time. I’m also looking for something serious and want to start a family. I’m open on my kids timeline, thinking sometime in the next several years ideally. How does that land for you?” If you received a text like this, you may be more inclined to have a genuine dialogue about this important topic, which you’d want to do with a future partner as well.

Outcome: My client felt missed and unmotivated to spend time with them, despite them ostensibly being on the same page. They passed and saved a potentially wasted date!

Example 4

My client: I noticed that your profile didn’t mention your family plans and thought I’d share that I'm looking for my life partner and want to have kids in X years. No sweat if that’s not you! Just wanted to be upfront and respect our time.

Their potential date: Same. I bet you wrote a list of all your requirements LOL. But yeah I think my timeline is similar!

ROC rubric:

1. Respect: No. They did not respect my client for being intentional and communicating what they want. They even made fun of my client for taking dating seriously. Ideally, your future partner respects you when you bring up important topics.

2. Openness: No. While they ostensibly share similar goals, they didn’t address the specific items (life partner and kids) that my client mentioned. They could have been clearer about what a similar timeline means to them. They also did not offer more context about themselves. Even if they had went on a date, it’s uncertain if this person would welcome a sincere conversation about relationship goals. It’s important to have open and honest conversations about the future with your life partner.

3. Care: No. My client felt hurt in particular because they were actually really proud of the non-negotiables list we had created together in coaching (how-to guide coming in a future post). Instead of responding with kindness, this person dodged the weight of this topic and put down my client’s intentionality. You’d probably want your life partner to speak to you more kindly. If someone is already making fun of you before they even meet you, they are likely not your person (or even a sincere friend). Here’s what would’ve been great to see instead: “I so appreciate you calling this out! I love that you’re clear on what you want. I’ve indeed thought about my family plans since I last updated my profile and will add it there. To give you more context, I’m also looking for my life partner and want to have kids in about X years. I think we could be a fit, and I’d love to chat more with you. How would you feel about continuing our conversation over the phone or in person? Thanks again for being upfront and intentional with me! I respect your time as well.” Receiving a response like that would’ve made my client feel more confident that this person would care for them in the future when they brought up even more important relationship topics.

Outcome: My client thought that if someone is responding to them in this way and making them feel bad about being intentional, they may not want to date them long-term. That said, they were willing to go on a few dates to feel them out more in person. However, they ultimately passed after several dates because their date froze when, a few dates in, my client shared some vulnerable feelings about how they felt about them. It seemed like they lacked the emotional awareness to discuss their relationship more deeply. My client took in this lesson and stopped going on dates when they got an initial response like this to a Hardballing text. That helped them save time (they had spent a month going on dates with this person) and refocus on people who treated them with the respect, openness, and care they wanted to see from their life partner.

Example 5

My client: Before I forget, I wanted to mention that I'm looking for my forever person. No sweat if that’s not your goal. I want to be upfront and respect our time!

Their potential date: Totally, appreciate you being upfront. I feel the same!

ROC rubric:

1. Respect: Yes, they did express appreciation for my client being upfront. However, this could have been even better had they elaborated more and acknowledged the weight of the conversation topic and my client’s effort in bringing this up proactively. In a long-term relationship, you’d probably discuss relationship goals often with your partner, and you’d want to feel appreciated for proactively bringing up important topics like these.

2. Openness: Somewhat. They could have elaborated more about what “the same” means to help my client understand their relationship goals. Something this like could’ve helped: “My goal is also to find my forever person!” This would’ve addressed my client’s message more directly and made them feel heard. Similarly, you’d want your partner to listen and respond directly to you when you bring up important topics.

3. Care: Yes, they do seem to be warm. However, an even better response would have opened more of a dialogue with my client. For instance, “I appreciate you being upfront and taking the time to share about your intentions. I likewise am looking for my forever person and glad you’ve thought about your relationship goals too. I would love to learn more about what you’re looking for in a partner! Would you be open to continuing our conversation over the phone or in person?” You’d want to receive support like this from your future partner when you go out of our way to share about your intentions. You’d want to see that they’re excited to engage more with you too.

Outcome: After a few more text exchanges, this person proactively followed up to share that my client’s Hardballing text made them think, and they realized they weren’t actually ready yet for something serious. They mutually passed and saved a potentially wasted date!

Flip the script

Want to show that you’re life partner material too?

Make sure your response to a Hardballing conversation checks off the ROC rubric: respect, openness, care. When someone else brings up a Hardballing conversation with you, show them how someone who’s ready to have a life partner would respond.

Model excellence and set an example for others!

Takeaways

If you want a long-term relationship with a partner who is respectful and supportive, makes you feel seen, and is capable of having hard conversations with you, Hardballing helps you convey your values to your dates on day 1.

Hardballing helps you identify people with key life partner qualities: respect, openness and care (ROC). Use the ROC rubric when assessing someone’s response. You can also ask yourself: how would I have responded if someone sent me a Hardballing text?

Use this framework to filter for people who are the shape of person who will be an exceptional life partner to you before getting on a date. If you don’t resonate with their response, you can save yourself time and heartache from wasted dates. If you love their response, you can be even more excited about spending more time with them. Remember, you are looking for just one exceptional life partner.

Action item

Hardball with your next potential date! Use this text for inspiration:

I wanted to be upfront with you and share that I'm looking for my life partner and want to start a family in a few years. If that's not what you're looking for, that's totally cool! I want respect both of our time :)

Let’s keep each other accountable

If you responded yes: I would love to hear how it went! I’m happy to help you review their response too. Please DM or email me.

If you responded no: I know that Hardballing might seem weird, intimidating, or way too vulnerable. I still remember how scared I felt when when I hit send on my first Hardballing text when I was single. But if you don’t like the outputs you’re currently getting from dating, you have to change your inputs. Run an experiment and see for yourself how Hardballing affects your outcomes. Compare the quality of people on 1st dates against their Hardballing response.

I would love to support you in taking the brave step to express your intentions. I also welcome your skepticism and doubts. I’d love to answer your questions and help you troubleshoot. Please DM or email me. I’ll answer Hardballing FAQ in an upcoming post.

If you want more help

I coach clients to develop comfort with opening up vulnerably (including on mock dates), update their “picker” to assess for life partner qualities, and craft a clear strategy to find their person, faster.

Hardballing helped me and my clients find their partner faster. I want to make a difference for you too.

I can’t wait to hear about the courageous action you take!

Love,
Joyce ❤️‍🔥