Why 'why' questions backfire on dates | Ep 75
How to get honest answers with one small change
Hi! I’m Joyce Zhang, Dating Coach for Tech Founders. I’ve been sharing weekly dating guides every Thursday since 2024. Some of my 2,500+ readers have credited it with helping them find love. Subscribe to get the next one.
On many dates, I felt the urge to dig in when my date shared something vulnerable. I tried to be brave and ask direct questions:
“Why did you stay in that relationship?”
“Why did you stop talking to that friend?”
“Why did you ask me that?” (if they asked me something particularly personal)
A number of times, I felt them wince and respond vaguely. I worried that I’d gone too far and my curiosity had pushed them away.
The problem with “why” questions
I later learned that “why” questions often trigger people’s defensive responses. It’s why some dates feel like interviews or interrogations.
By contrast, “what” questions feel more open-ended and inviting.
You can ask the same question, just phrased differently, and hopefully get a more honest answer.
Examples
“Why did you stay in that relationship?” → “What made you stay in that relationship?”
“Why did you stop talking to that friend?” → “What made you stop talking to that friend?”
“Why did you ask me that?” → “What made you ask me that?”
Notice how you feel reading the “why” vs. “what” questions.
Note: Even if you successfully default to asking “what” instead of “why” questions, some people may still feel defensive. That might be signal that the topic is too tender for them at the moment.
Try this
On your next date, notice when you’re about to ask “why.” Reframe your question to lead with “what.” Notice how your date responds and how you feel. Report back and let me know how it goes.
What questions from dates have made you feel particularly defensive? How have dates asked personal questions that made you feel open to sharing? I read every reply.
Love,
Joyce ❤️🔥
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Related posts:
Stop giving your date multiple-choice tests: How to ask questions that will actually get your date to open up
The FIQ sequence: the smoothest way to ask your date a personal question
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