North Star Feelings: the dating metric actually that points to your partner
Ditch your checklist. Measure what matters.
The problem with checklists
Many high performers give me meticulous partner criteria:
❌ Finance, trust fund, 6’5”, blue eyes
❌ Into fitness, but not too much
❌ Must be in tech (or not)
Here’s the issue: Checklists are unstable. What you think you want changes, but how you want to feel in a relationship stays the same.
Enter: North Star Feelings (NSF) ⭐️
Your 1-5 core emotions that define how you want to feel in a fulfilling relationship.
You’re going to spend your life with this person. Choose someone who makes you feel incredible every day.
Examples:
✅ Loved
✅ Supported
✅ Peaceful
✅ Valued
✅ Understood
💡 Instead of asking “Do they meet my criteria?” ask “How do I feel around them?”
Why North Star Feelings work
Dating is not a checkbox recruiting exercise. It’s about finding someone who makes you feel like the best version of yourself.
A client of mine, who had spent years stuck in situationships with emotionally unavailable people, made this shift. Instead of fixating on status markers, they started evaluating potential partners based on whether they made them feel safe, valued, and excited about their future.
3 months later, they found their now-partner.
Define your North Star Feelings
Think of your closest loved ones. How do you feel about yourself around them? List 3-5 emotions you want to feel in your next relationship.
How to use North Star Feelings while dating
🧭 Use NSFs like your compass. This approach is high-agency—especially helpful if you’re feeling anxious about whether they like you.
📱 Texting: Instead of asking, “Do they meet my criteria?” ask, “Do I feel my NSFs when I talk to them?”
🍽 On a date: Did I feel more like myself around them? Did I feel the way I want to feel in my future relationship?
🤔 Decision-making: If you’re debating whether to continue seeing someone, ask: “Do I feel my NSFs around them?”
Homework: Define & apply your North Star Feelings
1️⃣ Identify 3-5 North Star Feelings.
2️⃣ On your next date, observe how you feel about yourself. How does that line up with your NSFs?
Love,
Joyce ❤️🔥